Eulogy to the Girl I was Supposed to Be

Eulogy to the girl I was supposed to be. Eulogy to the girl I thought I was going to be. Eulogy to the girl they predestined for me. Eulogy to the girl I wished to be. Eulogy to the girl I never could be. Eulogy to the girl they thought me to be. Eulogy to all the girls I will never be. Yes, this is a eulogy to you, girl who I used to be.

You were strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible. You, girl who I was supposed to be. You were beautiful inherently, not the kind of makeshift beauty that I have been trying to find and scrape from inside of me. No, you were beautiful and you knew it. You didn’t even need your beauty. You just wore it. You were loved radically and gently. You had forgotten what it meant to cry because your tears were always just remnants from an overflowing joy inside. You belonged. You were never alone but still weren’t afraid when you were on your own. You were quiet and loud when you needed to be. You never doubted. You never questioned your identity. You just knew who you were and who you were going to be. It is a tragedy to say farewell to you, girl who I was supposed to be.

Before I say my final goodbyes, I must confess I never knew how to love you properly. I worshipped you even though you never knew me. Sometimes I tried to steal your identity. I never told you this but I must confess I think I might have also secretly hated you. I hated that you were not me and I was not you. I hated that you never seemed to acknowledge me. I just wanted you to see me. But you were always more phantom than flesh. You made quick acquaintances with the girl who I never could be and the girl who I wished to be. But for some reason always kept your distance from me.

So yes, I must lay you to rest girl who I was supposed to be.

However, while I mourn I will sing a new song because it is on account of your death that I finally get to meet the girl who is me.

She feels too much. And cries too often. She hates to work and worships her intellect. She tries to be big but often feels small. She is a girl who is learning how to be still without waging war. She is a girl who wants to be loved but is worried the world might be too flawed. She has broken hearts and harmed the ones who have loved her the most. She is quiet when she knows she should be loud and loud when she ought to be still. She envies power and worships beauty. She doubts. And often loses herself in a crowd. She tries to be brave but she is often afraid. Yes, this is the girl who is me.

She builds. She is often betrayed. She loves. She loves others radically. She hates that the world seems to contain never-ending pain. She paints and writes poetic love letters to herself. She is a girl who often makes mistakes. She leaves too early and comes too late. She still has yet to figure out who she was meant to be. She is young but often wishes to be old so she could skip all of life’s uncertainty.

Yes what a sad day to declare the death of that girl who I was supposed to be, but I am glad I got to meet the girl who is me and all the girls who I will be.

So I dedicate this eulogy to you girl who is me and all other girls you will be. I dedicate this eulogy to you because you never have to be the girl who was supposed to be me.

With these words, we put that beautiful girl who I never could be to rest and invite you girl who is me into the world just as you are.

Alright, that’s all from me… see you back in the pink room real soon!

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